I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
