WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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