You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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