R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
