new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
