i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
