I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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