Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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