She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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