so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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