it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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