the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize