You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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