is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
