I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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