Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My penis needs a shock collar
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
