So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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