I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She bit a glass in half.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
