So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
