Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
