Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
