1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
