Umm I'm too high to move.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's blow job season.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
