Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
