her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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