just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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