hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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