foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize