Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
