took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
