I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We are all done wearing pants today
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
