I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
