Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
