I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
