Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
be right there i have to get my cape
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
