Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
