and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
