Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
