Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
