I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
