Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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