guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
two words: eviction party
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
