Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
