A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I need a burrito and a hug.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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