I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize