i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
