U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
