I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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