LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
