theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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