I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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