i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
