I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
