why didn't you poke me back
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
