i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ketchup is God's man juice
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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