i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
