I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
