eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
ugly people sure do ruin things
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
