I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
