I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize