Moan for me like Helen Keller
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
