dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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