i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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