I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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