I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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