John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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