My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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